is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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