She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
