i barfeds in our rink
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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