If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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