The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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