I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Randomize
