I accidentally burped into my bong.
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
