I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
