you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
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