we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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