did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
