alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I am never drinking with the goths again.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
