Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
