She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
