I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
