Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
