My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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