If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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