I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
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