I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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