great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
You dont lie about slip and slides
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
