Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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