I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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