The maid of honor just puked.
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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