I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
