Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
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No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
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I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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