im gay
i know
yea but for you.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
