genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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