What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Randomize
