I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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