Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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