My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
