He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
