the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
In other news, I just burned my penis
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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