Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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