I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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