Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
