Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
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