They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
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