I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
