it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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