I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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