I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
