I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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