so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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