im about as happy as oj after his trial
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I'm too high and old for this...
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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