Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
