Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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