there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
