I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
