gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
