I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
