He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
