It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
