Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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