dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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