ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
