did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
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when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
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also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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