i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
P.S. I can't hear my feet
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
