I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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