Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
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