apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
