i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
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due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
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You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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