Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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